I’ve Lost Myself in Motherhood... I’ve Found Myself, Too.

“Who are you?” That’s something I could ask myself when I look in the mirror sometimes. With a messy bun, sweat pants or leggings, sans any makeup, with a saggy belly, even saggier boobs and baggy eyelids, I admittedly look pretty sloppy. And I sometimes hardly recognize myself and my body anymore.

I’m not the same Jackie I was pre-motherhood or even pre-mom of 2. It’s as if I’ve lost a bit of myself. 

I never thought I’d run late so much and so often. I never thought I’d ever go days without a shower or wear the same clothes for 24 hours (or more). I secretly judged moms who admitted they did it. And I promised myself I’d be different. That won’t be me, I’d tell myself.

Then, I became a mom.

Then, I became a mom to two babies under two years.

It’s not about not wanting to take care of oneself. For me, it’s about learning to prioritize my self-care. It’s about learning to balance what I need most with what my kids want and need. For example, sleep is most important and so I prioritize that over other things.

But showers are really important, too. And so, I’ve learned. I am now a master at showering in under five minutes and while also watching a baby in a bouncer and calling out to make sure my toddler is okay. I’ve also learned that a long hot shower goes a long way. So does a solo trip to run errands.

At the same time, I have been experiencing the greatest love there is—no doubt about it. I have learned what is most important in life is not money. It’s not a job title. And it’s definitely not materialistic things. Rather, it is the people in my life and the moments I spend with them.

While I lost myself a bit in motherhood, I’ve found myself there, too.

I’ve learned life is about forgiveness and grace, both for myself and others. I’ve learned I can love so much more than I’d ever imagined. Speaking about love, I’ve learned so much about it. I’ve realized just how sweet it is to hear I love you from those I love and to feel their love, too. My little two-year-old’s “I love you forever,” my baby’s giggle and just my husband’s embrace can carry me through exhaustion and stress.

Oh, I’ve learned more about myself in these last few years than I did in the twenty plus years prior.

I know my heart better. I know myself better. And I appreciate my life more... so much more.

So, while I’m not the same Jackie I was pre-motherhood, I’m a better, more capable, more responsible and stronger version of her... And I like her more. So much more.

No comments